His Devotion
by Zoni
Summary: Ciel Phantomhive has always been very confident of his place in the world. He has a question for the only man who has ever been able to make him question that authority. Sebastian/Ciel


**His Devotion  
**_by Zoni_

The bed is very warm with Sebastian beside me. His arms are wrapped around my body as he pulls me closer to him. There is nothing that I can do but relax against his solid chest as he presses a kiss to my shoulder. He lets out a sigh and I can tell that he is quite content with this situation. He enjoys running his hands along my side just like he is doing at this very moment. Leaning against him, I ask, "Why are you still here, Sebastian?"

His voice is rich as he hums and presses his face against my skin. "I am here because you asked me to stay with you until you fell asleep, young master."

"I did fall asleep. Last night. It's morning now, there's sunlight coming through the curtains." I am trying to sound annoyed, but Sebastian doesn't care. He never seems to have a response when I tell him that in the mornings. At what point did I become so used to waking up next to him like this?

Two and a half years have passed since Sebastian found me. At that time, I made my deal with the devil willingly, knowingly and without a care for the consequences. Even now, I do not mind the price that I will pay. The chance I have been given to have my vengeance and some small sliver of existence was enough for me to agree to the terms of Sebastian's contract. Since that night, he has lived in my mansion and stood by my side; a flawless and faithful servant. Six months ago, I stopped fighting the desire that I felt for him. Young though I may be, I am neither a fool nor uneducated. I invited him into my bedroom willingly.

At some point, though I am not certain exactly when, those occasional forays into my lust for him became a nightly affair. Slowly, he began to leave my chambers later and later than he had the night before. At first, he only stayed with me for an hour or so every night after helping me to prepare for bed. Now, mornings like this have become what I am used to. I wake early in the morning with him at my side. He is the first thing that I see every day, and the last I see before I fall asleep at night.

From time to time, I wonder if the other servants have noticed anything. Perhaps it looks like Sebastian and I are simply very close, a master and his devoted servant. For the most part, the servants' ignorance is my bliss. Even men who rely on their valets for everything do not spend nearly as much time with them as Sebastian and I spend together. I am certain that anyone outside of our household would look at me and see a child who has simply replaced his parents with his butler. No one would ever guess that the truth is so much more complex than it appears.

Even with the complexity that exists between us, I sometimes wonder if Sebastian is really just someone that I rely on. Is he really nothing more than just another pawn to me? I am uncertain. It would be accurate to say that I am using him. I rely on him for my every need and in every sense of the word. Even now, as I lay here at his side I am using him for comfort. The way his warm breath brushes across my skin and the sound of his heart beating slowly in his chest, all of these things make me feel so much closer to him. I know that he is not human, but he is my servant and my guardian. He is also my lover, though only in a physical  
sense. That word should be an embarrassment to me. If we were discovered, the price to pay would be high, even for someone with my status. The fact that I am even caught up in a situation such as this is a mark of disgrace, shame upon myself and my family name. Even so, having him at my side is worth the risk. Looking at him now, gazing back at me and looking so content, I am forced to wonder if this is really just something physical. I am beginning to think that I care for him more than I should. Why else would I want him to stay by me like this, rather than leaving as I know he should?

With him here beside me, I can almost forget my past, even if only a little at a time. I can no longer remember what my life was like before he came to be with me. Even the memories of my family are becoming fuzzy and vague. Their voices have faded with the passing of time. Even my mother's face is no longer as clear to my mind's eye as it once was. The only thing that I can remember clearly about everything that happened with them is the searing heat of the fire that tore our home apart. Even then, when I think about that night and the torturous month that I spent in captivity, Sebastian is always the one who pulls me out of my  
darkness.

I'm certain that anyone else in a similar position would probably feel relieved or grateful to have someone that they could rely on like that. It must seem like a gift to have someone that you can trust completely, with absolutely no room for doubt. For me, it is a disconcerting thought. When I find myself thinking about Sebastian, I feel as if my confidence in where I stand in the world is shaken. I have always been able to take care of myself. That ability to maintain my own well being without having to rely on someone else is a matter of pride. I don't really have a need for friends or allies. And yet, I still find myself drawing so much strength from a demon who will one day take my soul. I do not like that feeling, as if I cannot stand on my own two feet. It makes me uneasy in a way I have never felt before. Sighing in annoyance at the thoughts running through my mind, I look up at the demon next to me. "Shouldn't you be taking care of tea and breakfast, Sebastian? The others are going to notice if you're late."

"As you wish, my lord." Sebastian's voice is as smooth and even as velvet, but I wonder if I am imagining the look of reluctance in his eyes as he slides away from me and begins to dress himself. I am having to fight the temptation to sit and watch the way he moves a he pulls his clothing on. He has turned the act of getting dressed into an art. By the time that Sebastian leaves my chambers, no one will even be able to tell that his clothing isn't clean or freshly pressed. The effort it takes to pull my eyes away from him worries me. It isn't healthy to feel this way around him. Truthfully, I have considered whether or not it might be wise to put an end to these nightly ventures, whatever they might be. It is only a matter of time before someone notices that Sebastian no longer sleeps in his own quarters. I also have considered the possibility that one of the other servants might eventually notice the sounds that come from my bedroom late into the night.

I wait for a long moment until Sebastian bows and excuses himself from my chambers before I sigh and fall back into my pillows. When did all of this become so complicated?

~(*)~

Hours have passed, and yet thoughts of Sebastian have stayed with me through out the day. Even though he isn't even in the same room with me, I feel like he has somehow still managed to follow. I finished going through all of my paperwork earlier in the morning. Now, I am receiving my lessons on geography from a highly recommended tutor, the formidable Mrs. Cunningham. Try though I might, I cannot seem to focus on the lesson at hand. My eyes seem to drift towards the door that would lead me to Sebastian without my even wanting them to. My instructor clears her throat. "Siam is bordered on the north by Burma. Do you know what countries lie to its east?"

"Laos and... Cambodia." It takes me a moment to collect my thoughts, and I'm certain the answer seems rushed. I find myself surprised that I was able to answer at all. My company does trade with Siam, the subject of my instruction. I know that I would benefit from knowing more about the country and its people, but I find it impossible to focus on. Right now, the only thing I can think about is him.

Ordinarily, this everyday routine would suit my tastes. I usually take my classes in stride, even if I do not take pleasure in them. Restlessness seems to have taken a firm hold on me today. I just wish that these formalities would come to an end so that I could focus on the things that are bothering me. I cannot remember the last time that my mind felt this full. Perhaps it is because I have spent so long ignoring my own thoughts. Or, perhaps, it is because I always have something else to occupy my mind. Today, that something else is my demon. No, the demon. When something like Sebastian keeps running through my mind, how can I be expected to remember that Burma became part of the British Indian Empire four years ago?

In only a few short years, I will be expected to marry Lizzy. Our marriage was arranged shortly after my birth, without my input or consent. My destiny has always been decided for me, and I am content with that. I will always be the Queen's guard dog. Whatever orders Her Majesty sends me, I will see that they are completed in a timely manner. I take a certain pride in making sure that the assignments given to me, to my family, are taken seriously. It does not bother me that I am just another player in the game. These are the same duties that my father undertook before me. My life is not my own. It never has been. My choices are not mine to make. Even my soul will not remain in my possession for long. This is what it means to be an earl of the Phantomhive family.

The bargain that I struck with Sebastian was one of convenience, a neccessity. Over time it has also become part of my life of duty. I do not care about my soul. When I am dead, I will not need it. When the day comes that Sebastian takes my soul, I sincerely hope that he delights in the taste of it. I know that it will do him more good than it has done for me. The fact that it will happen someday does not bother me. I have already embraced my fate. My life and my soul, were forfeit the very moment that I agreed to the contract.

What bothers me is the fact that Sebastian does so much more than I require of him, often without explanation. When we were at the circus and I caught a cold, he wasn't required to worry about me. I have never asked him to make me chocolate gateau after a particularly rough day. He does not have to stay by my side after we finish the things we do in the darkness of my room each night. Sebastian is the one who began to stay by my side, who wraps his arms around me as I sleep. He chooses to remain by my side until morning. I have never asked him to be affectionate, or told him that I enjoy the way he holds me close and whispers to me in the night.

I am not a fool. I know that Sebastian is only with me because of the contract. Because of that, I do not understand why he does these things. It shouldn't bother me that he goes above and beyond his required duties. I really do not understand why it occupies my mind like this. Even if I were to admit that I felt something for him, even if I were to ask why he does these things, it would not matter. Sebastian will not leave me. He will remain by my side until the very end, and then he will devour my soul. There is no other possible outcome.

With all of the restlessness stirring in my soul right now, I cannot think well enough to answer Mrs. Cunningham's question about the capital of Burma. How is it that one man can effect me the way that he does?

~(*)~

The rest of the day has passed so slowly that I wonder if time itself hasn't stopped. As the evening dies, I find myself already sinking into the routine that I have grown used to. Candle in hand, Sebastian leads the way to my chambers. Once inside, he helps me dress for bed and tells me the schedule for the next day. As he undresses and slides in to bed next to me, I must admit that I have grown all too comfortable with these familiar actions. Even the way he pulls me into his arms is something that I have found myself missing through out the day. Without even wanting to, I find myself reaching out to cover his arms with my hands,  
pulling him closer to me. Have I really fallen so far that I have missed his touch this much? The feel of his lips on my shoulder sends a chill down my spine and I can hear myself sighing. If I am not careful, I will not be able to think straight long enough to ask him the questions that have been wandering through my mind. Leaning back against him, I ask, "Sebastian, why do you do these things?"

"What things do you mean, young master?" Sebastian's voice is a barely audible purr against my ear.

I shift myself around so that I can see his face better in the dim light of the oil lamp beside my bed. His eyes are warm and genuine. He is not trying to play one of his games with me tonight. "Why do you do things that I have not asked you to do? Why do you hold me like this?"

"It is my job as your butler to anticipate your needs and desires and to see them fulfilled, my lord." Sebastian's fingers are tracing patterns on my chest, just above where the comforter ends. His black nails dimly reflect the light from the lamp. They're rather distracting in contrast to my own skin. His lips turn up in a faint smile, and I can feel my heart speed up in response. Quietly, he says, "It is my duty, and I always wish to please my master."

"Is duty the only reason for it?" For once, my directness has failed me. Though I know that I could ask Sebastian anything, and that he would answer me, I find myself unable to ask the one thing that has been on my mind today. I want to know what drives him to hold me against him like this. It's more than just idle curiosity. I want to know if there is more to it than just our contract.

Some part of my mind knows that nothing will ever come of it, regardless of what his answer might be. Even so, it does not lessen my desire to know if he has ever thought of me as something other than just another soul for him to devour. Demons have no convictions, no loyalties beyond what their contracts require of them. It is arrogant for me to expect anything from him. And still, I need to know if I am just his young master, or if I am something more.

Sebastian falls silent and even his breathing seems to still as he thinks about my question. His eyes dart away from mine, looking anywhere but at me. When he finally turns them back to look at me, his expression is surprisingly downcast. His voice is barely above a whisper as he replies, "Demons do not feel love in the same way that humans do, young master."

The pain that I feel at his words is not entirely unexpected, but it still manages to catch me off guard. I look away from him, pressing my chin to my chest and hoping that my hair will cover my eyes enough to shield this unwanted show of emotion. I now know the answer to all of my earlier questions. This has not been something purely physical for me. Like a child, I had convinced myself that this was some sort of elaborate game. Or, perhaps, that I was merely satisfying the needs of my body. I know now that somewhere along the way, Sebastian has become something much more to me, even if he is still my pawn. I was correct in my thinking earlier, when I wondered if things might be better if I ended this inappropriate affair. If I had done so earlier then I surely would not be feeling more pain at this soft rejection than I have since the day I first met Sebastian.

"Young master, what I say is true," Sebastian whispers. His soft fingers are underneath of my chin as he raises my face so that I am gazing directly at him. "However, in the time that I have been with you, you have become the most precious thing in this world to me. What I truly desire, more than anything, is to be like this with you until the very end."

His lips on mine are warm and inviting. It takes me a moment to actually process the words that he has said. The taste of him on my tongue lingers even after he pulls away, as does the heat of his gaze. His touch tells me more than his words ever could. Until I die, Sebastian is mine. In whatever way that word can apply to him. For now, that is sufficient. All that remains is one final question. "Sebastian, will you stay until I fall asleep?"

**~(*)~  
**_Author's Note: _This is a rewrite of an older story that I used to have up here. I cleaned it up, redid it and added some things to it. I hope you enjoy this newer version! I really want to write more fluffy-ish things for Sebastian/Ciel. I love the pairing, and they're fun to write.


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